it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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