So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
People in love make me want to vomit
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
