Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
