I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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