i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
