Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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