at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
