literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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