Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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