I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
