Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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