hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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