put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
