i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I will be naked everywhere
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
