She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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