apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I need to align my fucking chakras
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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