I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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