I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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