You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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