I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
