I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
