Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
