Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
