also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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