She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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