his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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