Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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