Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
