I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
