: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
