I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
