I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
