i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
