Are we in a gay sports bar?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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