Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
