We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
