Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize