I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
