I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
