Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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