my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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