I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
