First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
