So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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