How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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