I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
