My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
