So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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