Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
wanna go halves on a baby?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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