Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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