barbara walters just said penis...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
