she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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