I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm both gender and math confused
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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