All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
