I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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