Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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