My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Holy shit dude........stairs
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
