Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
