Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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