Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
