so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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